I Love and Hate Mothers Day

I do just fine most of the time being preoccupied with my own life not to get swallowed in emptiness from the death of my mother and the separation of my family. Sometimes it does get the best of me and I will let sadness or loneliness sink in. The sad part is I feel free without her here and I feel guilty enjoying my space without her. She is an awesome person. Don't get me wrong. I just feel so different not needing her most of the time. I do still need her occasionally and it is so not fair that I can not lean on her or call her to celebrate. We spent so much time planning for the future. I have changed so many things in my life that I have to keep starting over till I get it just right. It is emotional to go to the store and see mothers day cards and gifts everywhere. I don't have a mother anymore and I am not a mother but part of me feels like it is my responsibility to have been a mother by now. I had to get out of Hallmark before I screamed that I do not have a mother to send a stupid card to nor am I a mother. Now I am away from all of the pressure from a card store and can breath. I am at peace and can wait out mothers day till it has passed. Blah I love and hate Mothers day.